One day my sponsor asked me the most profound question. He asked, “Chris, why do you always have to feel good?”

It stunned me, and I did not have an answer. I finally came to the realization that I was always chasing the next good feeling, no matter if it was good for me or not. I realized I was never comfortable in my body and I also felt trapped in this physical world. I never knew how I really felt. I told myself I was a nonconformant and it was OK to do whatever I wanted to do. Drugs and alcohol were my vehicles of escape to feel good.

How do we create stories to make life bearable? What is real, what is an illusion? But we must sacrifice truth in the process. When we support the illusion, we keep propping it up.

The danger of always wanting to feel good, the danger of telling ourselves these positive lies, is that the monster always gets bigger.

Eventually, the illusion will crumble because the truth will always come out. The feelings were the monster and the feelings were the antidote!

The question has stayed with me as a point of observation and an overall feeling. The Grand illusion was gone, and I was free. Even in not feeling good, I am OK!